“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
You Might Also Like
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.