[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
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I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
This dude got his own movie?
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out