I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
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Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Only short people can save us
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!