1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
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I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
My wedding will be open casket.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
men, we mow at sunrise.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze