Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
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If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.