If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
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I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
back to work
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?