Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
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for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Netflix: We have Less
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news