I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
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*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Can Happiness buy money?
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Unexpected Judgment
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes