Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
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These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter