*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
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I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Vodka burrito was a success
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.