If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
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Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
There are usually two types of merchants.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
#titanic
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne