Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
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If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”