I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
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[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Breaking news:
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
based al yankovic
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*