if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
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The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is