i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
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I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
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Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well