Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
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Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
bought wrong eggs
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Mouse
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY