today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
You Might Also Like
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
This makes total sense…
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
My love language is hissing.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod