Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
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I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel