Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
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You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
not to brag, but mine was free
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread