I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
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I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.