#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
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I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
“You’d better run, egg!”
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
beware of dog
(jukin media)