18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
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[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.