As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
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You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Me: how are you
Friday: good
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.