Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
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[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
not seeing the problem
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes