where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.