Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
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*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
what the
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.