Bite me again
– my bottom lip
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If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.