Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
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“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
me as a parent
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair