[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
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This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
#FunnyLife Insects
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…