My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
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just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Something Saturday.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…