Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
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I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365