*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
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“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home