Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
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Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
That lamp looks PISSED.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Worlds greatest photobomb
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
is this a threat
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts