My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
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how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Merry Christmas