This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
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Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.