ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
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[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
just witnessed a drug deal