Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
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Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith