My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
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[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”