If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
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and this one
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
They did not think through this water fountain
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything