11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
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This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one