ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
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Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
This is I, Robot all over again
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.