What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
You Might Also Like
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Great game to play with friends
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.