me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
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I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.