My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
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Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
All set.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.