The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
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I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.