KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
You Might Also Like
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God