The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
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I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
*seductively eats two tums*
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”