[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭