I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
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Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream