The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
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hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
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got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic